Being bold

My work has become more powerful - I am being bold.  I am making my way into being a leader in the role I have.  Assertive, clear, direct, taking charge - amazingly it reduces the possibility of frustration and conflict with others.  And I can trust the group to push back when they need to since they learn to trust me to lead them.  I can let go right after giving the lead to the group and they really take it - what a nice partnership.  I read Pema Chodron today - emotions take about 90 seconds to run through us - it's the stories we construct around them that stay with us forever, take on a life of their own and shape our identify and destiny.

And so I am paying attention to those emotionsm, letting them run their course and staying open and softer.  I can then also play more, not having to protect, anticipate or be anxious.  Well, at least getting better at it.

And so I have been taking more risks to follow my intuition, pause to listen into myself and then act on it.  Trust my intuition that led me to design and shape my work to begin with.  I think, my greatest courage has been to let go more and more of outcome and stories; of needing approval and of trying to be perfect, to get it right.  A work in progress and so far it is paying off.

Now I have to go the next step and fill my life with joy and play!

Acts of courage

My acts of courage this months have been all those actions and acts of speech when I feared that I would be pushed away, rejected or seen as less than and still did them and stayed long enough to see what impact I made.  I tried a new way of running a training, I stayed with a group when they had a conflict and work it out, I supported a client in getting something done while in a rush.  Even though I felt not fully balanced and grounded in the speed of the work, I understood that to be the reality and stayed in the game as best as we could. 

I jumped to action to be with friends who lost their health and loved ones - not worrying about if something would be appropriate or not.  When my heart dictated what to do, I followed my heart.  I figured that they would let me know what was right and what was not right or timely.  I sent money, went over to give hugs, received hugs and kept checking in about their well-being.  I stayed engaged much longer and fully than what I would previously have done.  While I felt more exposed and vulnerable, I am figuring that to be fully engaged is better than to live in the possibility of getting rejected or not accepted fully.  I am following David Whyte's and Melissa Gates' advice:  Live to let my heart be broken rather than arranging my life to protect myself from it.  In my way of food metaphor - better to have eaten fully and stop eating when I am full or don't like the food than to worry about the meal being bad and leaving the table starving.

Truly listening

I have been engaged in a practice of truly listening to my parents on the phone.  All to often, I was doing other things or getting impatient when they told the same stories again, were a bit akward in expressing their thoughts and feelings or fell into familiar patterns of what felt like critiquing me or indicating that something should be different in my life.  I often talk to my dad last and am tired and worn out from the long time on the phone with my Mum as she always comes to the phone first.

Having lsitened to my meditation teachter Tara Brach, I resolved that more than anything, my parents want to be listened to fully and whole heartedly.  We live so far apart and are not in each others daily life except by phone.  And so that is how I will be in their lives.  I have put everything aside, I have listened, letting them close the conversation rather than running off myself.  I have started inquiring and listening between the lines.  I have acknolwedged, responded with passion and compassion and been more expressive with my emotions.  I have called my Dad at times when my Mum is out so I can get time just with him.  I ask, I truly share when he asks and also unasked.  I give him time and attention.  It has been really hard and a gift.

I feel like I walk away from those phone calls without regrets.  I am not left hungry or with things unsaid.  I feel known and know more.  I also ask to be listened to and heard. Rather than feeling that my Dad understand me "well enough", I make sure he really does and that I really do understand him. And I stay longer, just a bit longer, just in case there is something else to be shared that only a pause and silence will unearth, will allow to come out.  If not, then we both know it is time to end until next time.  A good practice - and time well spent.

Giving alms in Thailand

I had the priviledge of joining the hotel I was staying at in Pattaya in giving alms to monks.  Every morning a group of monks arrives in a ratty mini-van. They are clad in orange robes and are mostly young men with a few senior monks accompanying them.  In Thailand young men take time to spend as monks to prepare them for their life ahead.  Some stay for only short times, some for longer, some their entire lives.  They eat and drink only what they are given by others.  

And so every morning, seeing orange clad monks walk through the street of towns and cities in Thailand is a familiar sight.  I had never been part of that simple act of grate and gratitude.  The hotel had a manager stand behind a table with simple food and water offerings.  He had taken his shoes off and placed the food into the copper bowls each monk held out, one after the other.  I place the food into the bowls of 2 young monks.  The monks then prayed and chanted a blessing for us and the hotel.  We bowed and accepted their payers - a solemn attitude of blessings lying over our small group.  The manager then poured sacred oil into a small bowl which was blessed and dripped onto the roots of a large tree.  Besides a sacredness, I noticed that normalcy of that exchange and the lightness and joyfulness.

Imagine a society where young men and women would spend time living with what is bewtowed onto them from others and giving blessings in return.  Imagine a life of parenthood, partnership and spiritual guidance and guiding after having spent time in prayer, silence, learning from and with others in a temple however long or short that time would be.  I relished how normal it was for the monks and the manager and how special to me.  Every morning since then, I have remembered that moment and smiled as I greet my day and those monks from far away.

Acknowledging the invisible

I have just returned form travel to Bangkokg, Pattaya, Philadelphia, Vermont and places around DC.  So many people make the workd we live in livable, enable us to get from A to B, make our stays in hotels, airports, trains, planes, busses possible.  They make sure the restrooms are clean, the sidewalks de-iced and clean, the hotel showers filled regularly with shampoo….People ask for money to eat, ride the metro, get healthy.  I have been making a particular effort to acknowledge them with greetings, praise and acknowledgement, gratitude shown in letters, small gifts and a long eye contact when culturally appropriate.  I stop, I engage, I thank them, I ask them to be my partners if someting needs to be sorted out.

I don't want to take any action for granted, anythign running smoothly as a given.  I realize that I can easily jump to action when things go wrong, blame, judge - but when things go smoothly, it is just business as normal.  Well, enough of that.  If I don't acknowledge the people, the commitment, the service behind it, things will stop runnign smoothly.  I am so grateful that I can live the life I can because of so many people's effort.  

I broke my toe and so had to rely on wheel chair handlers, airline staff helping me with luggage, taxi cab drivers taking me the extra step in front of the stairs.  I saw parts of the airport and service people I never see otherwise.  There is a whole world out there, invisible to us that makes the visible world able to run the way it does.  I have been stopping repeatedly to be grateful that it does and make it visible to me and those behind the scenes.

And so , in the spirit of the holiday season, I have also sent cards to a wide circle of those who support me - postmen, bank tellers, doctors, accountants…. all those who are regularly in my life.  My clients who trust and support me and my business and practice and growth and my friends and family who make me who I am and allow me to love and thrive.

One Act of Kindness and Grace Nov 10

Yesterday I reached out to two friends who are not doing well.  I supported them by bringing food and my company and also through some small financial contribution.  I snuggled with a cat.  I took care of myself by slowing down and giving myself a wonderful foot massage.

Today I started this blog and will be cooking for me and my friend next door. I meditated on kindness and grace and gratitude.  I posted on Facebook to gather support for my friend out west who has chronic Lyme disease. I committed to sending her money for her treatments and to connect with professionals that can advise her on some of her next steps.  I feel good and a bit anxious about really committing to help her in ways that are possible for me and might be ways that others might not be able to offer. And to take care of myself and admit when I get overwhelmed.

This is not a checklist or a to-do-list.  This is not a "look how great I am " diary. This is an appreciating the positive great moments and staying open to  the invitation to be kind and graceful journey.  This is an holding myself accountable and maybe even inspiring others a little bit diary. Join me!

One Act of….

Sitting in my beautiful sunny room on a fall morning with my broken toe in a boot, I have finally accepted that I will need to slow down and take my time.  The universe could not have given me a stronger wack that I am not invincible, not indestructable, superwoman or invulnerable.  And so I sat, read, pondered and let my mind meander instead.  I saw bluejays and red cardinals from my window. I had a sweet and funny conversation with a squirrel that couldn't believe it wasn't able to reach the yummy plant in my window. 

And what came to me was that it would be so easy to send ripples into this world in an intentional way and really take in when it happens and commit to doing it.  I want to stop being tenuous. I have run out of excuses. I can face what holds me back. I don't want to deflect instead of making decisions anymore.  I don't want to keep out what wants to be let in because I am afraid that I will be a push-over and not able to say "no".  Listening to David Whyte, I can continue to let my heart be broken for that is what opens up the world and myself to me.  David is so wise; he says that arranging our world and life to prevent having our heart be broken, is a recipy for a dull, uncourageous "second life" (it's one of his poems) that tells God it has a headache.

And so I committed to

• One act of Kindness and Grace each day
• One Act of strength and resilience each Week
• One Act of Generosity each Month
• As many moments of AWE as the universe will send my way. Fully open, fully experiencing with all my senses, blowing my mind, bulbbling with joy, taking my breath away AWE.

I will let you know how it goes.  One thing I know for sure, Awe makes me humble, curious and deeply connected.